Living For Today

I'll cry if I want to . . .

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 16:11:49 GMT

. . . 'cause it's my birthday!! I think that is an old song which I've completely butchered. lol I'm 47 today. Which is truley incredible to me, because that sounds so freakin old. I never could have pictured myself being 47 years old. Now I realize that, at least for me, it's just being 35 with a license that says you're 47. Because I really don't feel my age. With the exception of last Sunday, the day after the first softball practice, that day I felt my age plus another old persons age too.

Things are going pretty good. I have my own 2 bedroom apartment, and my daughter every other week. This has been our first week together on our own and it has been fun. The only bad times are when she gets sad because she misses her mom, or wants her parents to be together. Those times are hard for her, and for me. We will get through it. But for me I am feeling pretty damn good, I have a sense of freedom that I haven't had in a long, long time, if ever. When I was single back in the stone age I was also very poor, and I didn't have my oldest daughter to share my time with. Maybe this will wear off, but I'm really liking it. I'm not dating or looking to date, I am just enjoying my freedom. Very cool. I have a nice place that I feel good about my daughter sharing with me, and a schedule that works for everyone.

Right after moving the wife broke down saying she thinks she made a mistake in wanting this to end. But I've already moved on emotionally, after the past seven months of riding that roller coaster of emotions I am very happy stepping off that ride! I feel good. She will have to adjust. I don't know what will happen down the road, but right now I am taking time for myself, to discover what I like and don't like, and how to live my own life.

My place is right next to a five mile long walkway/bike path, so my daughter and I have been going on bike rides together, which has been a lot of fun. I also bought airline tickets to fly back to Massachusetts during school vacation in April, her and I. My oldest daughter will be having her baby next week and we will finally get to meet the new grandson/nephew. Jacoby Elijah is his name. Which makes me a grandfather. Although I'm only 35. lol

Spring is here in the Carolinas, it's been 60's and low 70's since Saturday. Life is good.

Scott

The good news is . . .

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:06:41 GMT

. . . I've lost weight and am back below the magical 200 lb line. Having been as high as 228 in the past, now getting below this line makes me feel a bit better about myself.

It's time to move along

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 15:44:13 GMT

I debated putting this out here, but I've been putting it all out here so far so why stop now. I found emails between my wife and another guy, planning for her to cook him dinner, her buying him an iphone and of course the two of them planning on having sex. And these are just the messages I found, the ones she deleted but didn't clear out of her trash folder.

I've talked to my counselor, my best friend and then confronted her. And she took very little responsibility, trying to turn it back on me. It's time to move on. I'll be moving out this weekend. And yet there is a part of me that wants to just forget it happened, and keep the life that I have. But that won't work in the long run.

Please keep my little girl in your thoughts and prayers, she will be devestated.

And even more . . .

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:13:56 GMT

. . . because everyone is clammering for a hundred more, here they are. Hopefully this will put and end to all the phone calls and emails begging for more of me talking about me. ;-)

1) sometimes when I'm flying, especially taking off, I feel like i'm in a movie. its very surreal, a very strange but exhilirating feeling.
2) sometimes when landing i feel like i'm a jet, swooping around and touching down.
3) i take pics when flying to try and share the experience, but its really something you have to do yourself to really understand.
4) after the tornado last year i now have to share a large room with 3 other co-workers
5) i am the quiet one of the four
6) my boss gave me the the corner spot, i have windows looking outside on the two walls around me
7) mine is the only computer monitor in the room that can't be seen by others :-)
8) which is probably why i have a pile of work on my desk :-(
9) i took a bath last night, which i have been doing more often, but for the first time i put bubble bath in it. maybe i'm turning gay. lol
10) winters always make me blue
11) my birthday is the only thing I look forward to in winter
12) i am almost always disappointed when the day arrives
13) we did not celebrate and certainly never had b-day parties when i was growing up
14) i hoped it would be different when i grew up, that someone might care
15) but it's met with the attitude that it's an obligation to recognize my b-day
16) and yet i always try to make hers special
17) for her 40th i flew her best friend down from massachusetts for the weekend as a surprise, she didn't know anything about it until the doorbell rang.
18) for my 40th she rented a message sign and put on it that i was 40, as a joke.
19) once my fiancee at the time threw a big bday party for me, my friends and brothers attended. that was cool.
20) i'm still friends with that girl, she just got proposed to this past christmas.
21) i was married eight years the first time
22) i was then technically single the next eight years, although engaged and then broken a few times.
23) i have now been married eleven years
24) i guess if i had stayed married the first time it would have been 28 years this coming april - holy crap.
25) i secretly like snow, its the cold and wind that somes with it that i really hate. you're sworn to secrecy.
26) i used to be athletic, and could run faster than my peers.
27) if i had gotten into sports at a young age i might have been pretty good.
28) i didn't join any organized team until i was fifteen years old
29) which left me about eight years behind all the other kids in developing skills
30) i still play on softball teams, and now i hit better than i ever have before
31) but i no longer run like the wind, although i am mobile enough, i just have average speed now
32) sometimes running out a hit in softball i forget i'm not as fast as i used to be and i get thrown out at third base
33) in high school i was never once thrown out stealing a base
34) i was once thrown out going to third playing baseball, on a pitchers pickoff while I was on first
35) i was safe but the ump blew the call
36) the trouble for me was getting on base, those pitchers threw curveballs! not fair.
37) i wish i had grown up playing football, i would have loved playing that game and my speed would have been a big advantage
38) no one steered me towards playing sports as a kid, and I didn't have any friends who played on a team
39) until my father remarried when i was a freshman, we moved and i made new friends who steered me into playing baseball
40) i have played on many many softball teams and been in many bowling leagues as an adult
41) i hurt my finger with the way i bowl and now i don't bowl in a league anymore
42) i blew out my acl playing softball
43) i finished the game
44) the next day i couldn't walk
45) i had acl reconstructive surgery for it in '95
46) i broke my thumb in two places in a softball game
47) i finished the game
48) i didn't play again for two weeks
49) i had my gall bladder removed two years ago
50) i may have saved my aunts life (she is one year younger) when i was a kid
51) we were visiting in texas, swimming in the gulf and she was getting pulled HARD by the undertow
52) i grabbed her arm and pulled with every ounce of strenght to get her out of the surf
53) we never talked about it after, but we were both very scared
54) i grew up out in the country, around farms and farm animals
55) we were very poor
56) it helps me appreciate the things my kids have
57) but i wonder if they can truley appreciate it
58) i would rather have it this way than the alternative
59) because we didn't have money us kids never had proper dental care, like braces
60) i'm envious of people who do have nice straight teeth, which is mostly everyone
61) i was poor for half of my adult life as well, especially after my divorce
62) i once sold my truck and only had a cheap motorcycle to get around, everywhere
63) there were some cold wet rides during that time
64) but i never missed a child support payment, because that was for my daughter
65) there however were other bills that never got paid
66) eventually i filed for bankruptcy
67) now i have good credit, a good salary, a nice home and own some toys

68) but you can't buy good love
69) i do have my kids love, and that will get you a long way
70) when its bed time for my little girl i lay with her in her bed until she falls asleep, because she asks me to. my wife won't do it. she is missing out on some great chats that i will cherish forever.
71) someday she won't want me around, so i have to take advantage of the opportunities i have.
72) she got braces last month
73) we are doing division now for her homework, and she is having some trouble with it
74) i believe life is precious, i hate to kill anything
75) except bugs and red ants - i hate those fuckers, they serve no useful purpose
76) yes i said the f word, i am very familiar with it, but my wife uses it a lot more than i ever do
77) i only use it around people i know are comfortable hearing it
78) i really really hate confrontations and will do what i can to avoid one
79) therefore i've never been in a fist fight
80) i really am a lover, not a fighter
81) but if it came to my kids and protecting them there would be no second thought
82) i am intense when i play sports, but it is directed at myself not others
83) for a few years i played raquetball, i would really like to get back into it. when i played it helped me get in the best shape i was ever in.
84) sometimes i feel like i'm lazy
85) i used to fall in love with any girl who had a southern accent
86) now that i live in the south the novelty has (mostly) worn off
87) but i think guys with drawls sound dumb, even if they are not
88) fishing was the one fun activity that my dad and i used to do together, that was just "our" thing, my bro's did not fish
89) he taught me a lot about trout fishing
90) but we were poor, dad had a full time job and three part time jobs so he wasn't around much
91) the only other time we spent together was if i went along to help him on a job, or he had to fix the car and needed help
92) our junk cars always needed fixing, i spent a chunk of my childhood in junkyards
93) those tools get REAL COLD in the winter
94) but i got some good out of that childhood, i have a good work ethic (unless the internet is available!), i can do some car repairs, and i appreciate not having to live like that as an adult.
95) i've only had one person close to me die
96) my stepmother died almost two years ago but we were never close, she wasn't a warm person, although we got along ok
97) some day my grandmothers will be gone, that will be tough
98) i need to call them
99) every friendly woman i meet i secretly wonder what it would be like to be married or in a relationship with her
100) then i figure it would probably change if she really knew me

100 Things About Me

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:11:54 GMT

100 things you may not know about me (or something close to me):

1) my favorite color is purple
2) my favorite number is 8. Yaz. All the softball teams I've played on I always try to get this number.
3) I wonder if I have ADD because instead of concentrating on work so much I keep hearing the internet calling my name.
4) I had gotten down to 195 pounds and now I'm up to 205. :-(
5) I feel guilty that I am closer to my nine year old daughter than I am to my 27 year old daughter.
6) I was 19 when my oldest daughter was born.
7) I feel guilty that I complained that I wasn't old enough to be a grandpa during my oldest daughters first pregnancy, then she lost the baby.
8) There are a lot of emotions in me, and yet I seem stoic to people outside my family.
9) It is real easy to make me happy if you are my wife, three things:
10) one - cook a meal a few times a week. I love leftovers so I don't need a meal every day.
11) two - don't make me feel guilty for taking occasional time for myself, usually to go flying or ride my motorcycle.
12) three - want to sleep with me twice a week, sometimes a few more
13) those aren't strict rules, just keep it close to those and i would be happy
14) i've respected my dad all my life, but now he's involved in a business that is a pyramid scheme, and is marrying the woman above him.
15) and no one can make him see it for what it is
16) i don't personally know the lady, she may turn out to be a wonderful wife, but this seems assinine to me
17) my oldest daughter shares my moms middle name, patricia
18) this is the name my mom went by, she didn't use her real first name
19) my daughters never had the opportunity to meet their paternal grandmother
20) i like candles and their scents, i sniff them when i see a display
21) if there are no guys around
22) i'm not very fond of feet, but i think mine look pretty good
23) i have a large scar on my chest from a 2001 surgery to remove a melanoma
24) i am now only going back once a year for checkups, no problems in the past five years
25) my ass hurts after i've been riding my motorcycle for an hour
26) i don't understand the need to have a harley, my honda looks and works just fine, and is a lot cheaper
27) riding down a country road with the girl you love holding onto you on a nice summer evening is an awesome feeling
28) my wife doesn't care to ride with me
29) after a flight with my powered paraglider the worlds seems like a better place
30) if i haven't flown in a while i get very nervous while preparing for the next one
31) once i get off the ground those nerves just about disappear
32) unless the wind conditions are rough
33) i've had three flying instances where i thought i might be lucky to end up just getting seriously hurt
34) i didn't get hurt in any of those three incidents
35) i would rather fly with one or two others as opposed to a larger crowd
36) i'm not real sociable, especially around people i don't know
37) but i am friendly if you initiate a conversation, i do like people
38) even though i joke with my wife that i don't like people
39) but i think she really believes that i don't
40) only two people i've met personally know about my blog
41) and i don't think they ever visit here
42) i'm the oldest of five children, four of us boys born to my mom and one sister born to my stepmother
43) bro#1 is only a year younger than i am
44) we were never close growing up
45) one of the reasons was that we had nothing as common interests
46) he lives in hawaii now, and as adults we have more in common
47) i think he is gay
48) and i'm fine with it, but i wonder if he is afraid to admit it because he is afraid that i would care
49) bro#2 is the one with whom i probably have the most in common
50) we rarely talk
51) but we get along fine when we do
52) bro#3 has always been everyones favorite
53) he was the baby until my sister came along eight years later
54) he gets pissed when you say it, but he was spoiled and got away with stuff we never would have
55) he also gets pissed when you call him "dad jr"
56) but he looks a lot like my dad
57) he was the only one with blue eyes and blonde hair
58) the rest of us all had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes like our mother
59) bro#1 is the only one who hasn't lost most of his hair
60) and he reminds us of it every chance he gets
61) bro#1 is the life of the party every where he goes, but he can tease like no other
62) i have many interests, one of them being the space program
63) i wanted to be an astronaut when i grew up
64) watching the moon landings when i could was fascinating
65) i have toured the kennedy space center three times and the johnson space center in houston
66) my next goal is to see a shuttle launch in person, it is supposed to be pretty cool
67) i hope to do that next month
68) but once again i probably won't get there
69) do high school kids joke about his number any more? we always did
70) my family on my mothers side had a history of early pregnancies
71) i'm glad my daughter broke that cycle
72) however it resulting in some interesting circumstances
73) i have an aunt who is a year younger than me
74) i have a picture that would have shown five generations had my mother been alive, she would have been in the middle
75) my great-great grandmother has since passed on
76) but when my grandson is born next month there will once again be five generations, if my mom was alive
77) because his birth will make my grandmother a great-great grandmother
78) i will need to be sure and get another picture
79) she is not even the oldest grandma i have, she is only 82, my other grandma is 92
80) longevity seems to be a possibility for me
81) i hope that is a good thing
82) i am very bad at remembering names
83) and recognizing faces if i run across someone outside of where i usually see them
84) i moved to north carolina after 39 years of living in the county i was born
85) i had only spent four days in north carolina before until the day we moved down here
86) i now live four miles over the state line in south carolina
87) my little girl was 1 when we moved, she speaks with a combination of our boston and her classmates southern accents
88) any time i visit back home in the winter it reinforces my appreciation of living in the south
89) although one or two snowstorms for the kids would be ok - but no more than that
90) there has only been one big snowstorm since we have lived here
91) but it set a local record with 16 inches of snow
92) the snow was gone in four days
93) when i visit a new place i love studying a map and then driving all around to see the local landscape
94) i am very good with directions, especially if i have seen a map first
95) i think i'm a good husband, i do all the outside work, help with housework, do homework with my daughter and want to be close to those i love
96) but i don't cook and thats what i always hear about
97) i grew up feeling lonely, especially after my mother died
98) i thought that would change when i got married
99) maybe i was meant to be alone
100) i keep telling myself it could be worse, therefore i should appreciate what i do have

Catching Up

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:44:41 GMT

The kids are all excited about Christmas, which is what makes the season worth all the trouble. Everything is in place, all the presents have been bought. My little girl is getting the laptop she has been wanting so badly. I didn't think a nine year old really needs a laptop, but I know she is going to absolutely love having it. We were able to find a good deal on a good and apparently rarely used one, it is actually much nicer than the one I have. Maybe she will let me use it.

Also for Christmas (not really, just timed out that way) she got braces yesterday. For some reason she had been excited about getting them. Then yesterday she found out that they make your teeth HURT! Although it got a bit better later in the day. I never had braces, although I needed them, but we were poor and my father kept us away from the dentist. Then by the time I had some money and a dental plan I was married and said screw it. Although now I'm wishing that I had done it. I guess I still could but at my age not sure it is worth it.

Things with the wife are still a bit better than they used to be, but not by a lot. She is feeling bad about herself because she put on some weight again, so that means she doesn't like me, in the biblical sense, because she can't get past her own issue. And I could go on and on but it's the same old story. In summary, some days are ok, and the other days I'm left longing for what a relationship could be with mutual appreciation.

Work is very busy, but I can't seem to get motivated like I should. There were state budget cuts last month which created a scare because of us 100 employees here we heard that up to ten positions might be eliminated. It ended up six were laid off, my positions survived again. But the rumors are there of more NC state wide budget cuts. They capped our pay raises in 2009 at 2.5 percent. I can live with that. Of course my review is the first one next month. Although already being at the top of my pay grade I am already pretty much capped on salary growth.

Sharing this "office", converted conference room, with three other analysts has been interesting. The other guy in here seems to compete with the older woman (both around my age) to be the "mother hen" to the rest of us. I can understand it from her, but him? Makes me wonder a bit. The younger woman is just 26, yet she bitches and complains about everything. Me I usually keep to myself and try to get my job done. When I'm not reading blogs. At least I finally got internet access to everything, instead of being treated like other users who have certain types of internet sites blocked. Now I can go anywhere on the net, as it should be. Working in IT should get me SOME priviledges, no?

Enough for now. Here's hoping you have a great holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Santa is good to you, if you've been good and believe in that sort of thing. If you've been bad then hopefully you were VERY bad and made it worth while! ;-)

Picture

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:18:26 GMT

Me at the museum:

click here

Four Days Off???

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:37:48 GMT

For the Thanksgiving holiday I get four days off from work. This is what I will be doing:

Day 1 - work in the yard, come in and eat. clean up, then watch football. This will be the easy day.

Day 2 - Dig out all the decorations and haul them to the house from the shed. Spend the rest of the day in the yard and on the roof putting up lighting. Last year I coded and labeled all the strings of lights so I could put them up in the right order. If I can remember my coding system it should save an hour or two of trying to remember the proper order for all the sets of lights. Wish me luck.

Day 3 - This will be our annual trip up to the NC mountains to pick out and cut down our christmas tree. It is something we look forward to every year, driving two hours, wandering around the side of the mountain in the cold. But I usually turn it into an ordeal because I am very picky about finding the perfect tree, and usually by the end everyone is fed up with me and just wants to get it over with. On the way home we always stop at the same BBQ place for a hearty meal. That may be the highlight of the holiday season right there. They do BBQ right. When we get home the tree needs to be set up in the stand, then sit overnight so it can warm up and the branches can fall. And the cats can start trying to hide in it. New cat this year who hasn't seen one yet, should be fun. :-O

Day 4 - Decorating the tree. I do the hard part, the lights. Trying to space them out just right so there will be enough to cover the bottom of the tree, but not too sparse 'cause I like a lot of lights. Then putting a few decorations on until I get bored with it all. When decorating is complete I then get to move the tree into the corner, without messing up decorations or knocking it over. Because the tree is so fresh the wood is very soft, which means the stand comes loose very easily. Always leads to unchristmas-like words being expressed while I'm laying on my belly under the tree trying to keep it from falling over. The over/under on flying F-bombs is about a dozen.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!!! Eat lots and lots, I don't want to be the only one waddling around this weekend. ;-)

We're Trying

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:50:57 GMT

We did get back together after a week of sepaeration, and she seemed rejuvinated in her feelings towards me and our relationship. Maybe separations can work, who knew? Been trying ever since, not quite as passionate as it was when first back together, we'll see if it holds up. At least we are trying. We also did the Hawai'i vacation in October as originally scheduled and had an awesome time. More on that later. To view those pics click here. Click on a pic to make it bigger.

I'm deciding on either changing the type of posts on this blog or maybe just starting a new one. Some things for me to ponder. My first item to consider is posting more than once every two months!

Later homies.

Day 1

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:44:54 GMT

I moved out yesterday. We told the kids on Saturday, and I wanted to strangle her for making them have to go through that experience. My youngest daughter was pretty distraught for a while, but lots of talking, hugs and tears later she is adjusting. The key is lots of talking. But it has been difficult selling this idea of a trial separation when I don't believe in it, but I don't want to appear divided in front of the kids. We have been honest in telling them that it may end up in divorce.

So I took yesterday off from work, found a bed for a good price on Craigslist and moved into an empty bedroom at my friend Joey's house. He has been great and generous in encouraging me to stay there. But I will always feel like a guest, a stranger in someone elses house. If this goes long term I will be getting my own place. But for now I'm in limbo and just waiting to see where it goes. It was really strange last night and this morning getting up for work. I was worried about my daughter because I was always the one to wake her in the morning, lay with her and slowley nudge her awake. She is like me and needs about ten minutes to slowly wake up and accept the fact that sleep is over. Actually I would like an hour to do that, but ten or fifteen minutes is acceptable.

I will be making many trips back to the house to see my daughter, there is no restrictions. But now I'm a half hour away which is going to create new gas bills with my truck.

The wife did sign and give me the document about custody if a divorce comes about, which was great to have in my pocket.

Thanks for your support during this difficult time, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes I feel alone, your support helps diminish those feelings. I hope to someday blog about other things as well.